Tesco
Miss Rigby! Stella, my love! Would you please send
in the next auditioner, please. Mr. Marmite, I believe it is. (enter Moneygrabbing
Supplier, hopping on one leg)
Tesco
Mr. Marmite, I believe?
Moneygrabbing Supplier
Yes, Marmite by name, Marmite by nature. (keeps
hopping)
Tesco
Yes...if you'd like to remain motionless for a
moment, Mr. Marmite. Please be stood. Now, Mr. Marmite you are, I believe,
auditioning for the part of A Brexit casualty?
Moneygrabbing Supplier
Right.
Tesco
Now, Mr. Marmite, I couldn't help noticing almost
at once that you are a made in the UK person.
Moneygrabbing Supplier
You noticed that?
Tesco
I noticed that, Mr. Marmite. When you have been in
the business as long as I have you come to notice these things almost
instinctively. Now, Mr. Marmite, you, a made in the UK man, are applying for
the role of A Brexit casualty - a role which, traditionally, involves the use
of a foreign actor.
Moneygrabbing Supplier
Correct.
Tesco
And yet you, a Unilever, are applying for the role.
Moneygrabbing Supplier
Right.
Tesco
A role for which a passport other than British
would seem to be the minimum requirement.
Moneygrabbing Supplier
Very true.
Tesco
Well, Mr. Marmite, need I point out to you where
your deficiency lies as regards landing the role?
Moneygrabbing Supplier
Yes, I think you ought to.
Tesco
Need I say without overmuch emphasis that it is in
the country of origin/manafacture division that you are deficient.
Moneygrabbing Supplier
The country of origin/manafacture division?
Tesco
Yes, the country of origin/manafacture division,
Mr. Marmite. You are deficient in it to the tune being made here, on our bloody
doorstep. Your taste I like. I like your aste. A lovely taste for the role.
That's what I said when I saw you come in. I said "A lovely taste for the
role." I've got nothing against your taste. The trouble is – your blatantly
opportunist greed. You fall down on your morality.
Moneygrabbing Supplier
You mean it's inadequate?
Tesco
Yes, it's inadequate, Mr. Marmite. And, to my mind,
the British public is not ready for the sight of a made in the UK product hiking
its price and blaming the fall of the pound.
Moneygrabbing Supplier
I see.
Tesco
However, don't despair. After all, you score over a
man with no morality at all. Should a supplier with no Morality at all come in
here demanding the role, I should have no hesitation in saying "Get out.
Run away."
Moneygrabbing Supplier
So there's still a chance?
Tesco
There is still a very good chance. If we get no reasonably
priced alternatives in here within the next two months, there is still a very
good chance that you'll land this vital role. Failing decent suppliers, you, a unilever,
are just the sort of person we shall be attempting to contact telephonically.
Moneygrabbing Supplier
Well...thank you very much.
Tesco
So my advice is, to hop on a bus, go home, and sit
by your telephone in the hope that we will be getting in touch with you. (shows
Moneygrabbing Supplier out) I'm sorry I can't be more definite, but as you
realise, it's really a decent sort of chap we're after. Good morning Mr. Marmite.
